Today, lessons learned from the Royal Rift- 5 ways to heal fractured Family Relationships. Damali Peterman is an author and conflict resolution expert. Today she gives us tips to help heal the family drama.
Identify what YOU want
Whether it is a tense family relationship or complete estrangement, you have to determine what you want. So many people are encouraged by someone else in their life to “be the bigger person” or consider “what would ‘mom, dad or grandma’ want you to do.” No. The real barometer has to be understanding what you want to do. Ask yourself three questions. Do I want a relationship with this person? Is this something worth saving? And, if so, why?
Decide what kind of relationship you want to have
The relationship that you choose to have doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. What if your sibling isn't a great brother or sister, but they are the best aunt/ uncle in the world. Focus on the strengths of the other person and try to avoid their weaknesses. If they are unaware of their shortcomings or have a blindspot, you should talk to them.
Communicate your needs.
When relationships are fractured, you have to be very intentional to communicate your needs in a way that will not create more chaos, pain or defensiveness, but rather, invite understanding, empathy and trust. How do you do this? Use the information from the first two tips. Tell them that you have decided that a relationship with them is important to you and that you want to discuss with them what that relationship could look like. Set the expectations and boundaries that you need.
Listen to their side of the story. Communication (and change) is a two way street. Be prepared to also listen. Given your history with the other person, it will probably be tough to do this on your own because it is easy to fall into old patterns. Engage a neutral third party to help you. Preferably,
not another family member who, despite their best intentions, may be incapable of behaving in an unbiased way.
Be patient - The road to reconciliation is not a straight path. You may encounter a few bumps and twists along the way to healing. Think of it this way, if it took years to get you into the conflict, it will probably take more than one attempt to sort it out once and for all.